...Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon... everything's different.

-Calvin and Hobbs

It's weird to look back and see things in a new perspective. I mean, really, it feels like it's been forever, but it hasn't been. Senior year feels like eons away, and it hasn't even been one year since I graduated! Then I think back to freshman year, and BOY, was that a trip! I won't deny it; I am GLAD high school is over, but it's really bizarre to look back at how things have, well, changed.

I've gone on a roller coaster of extremes since freshman year of high school. I started off in this weird, semi-conflicting state where I was fighting with the prospect of growing up tooth and nail. It TERRIFIED me. Then my sophomore and junior year I mellowed out, but I feel like those were the wasted years. I did nothing but bask in the fact that I was not alone (we will refer to these as "the boyfriend years"). Though I may have been most content in the boyfriend years, I really was quite stagnant. I made no move forward or ahead, just stayed... well, in one, boring, unexciting place. Then my fourth and final year at EHS came around and, if you've read ANY of the previous blogs before those made in 2009, you will realize that this was my "depressed" state. Oh BOY. After the "boyfriend" from "the boyfriend years" decided to leave, I fell into a pit of teen angst. EEW, right? Well, it happens to the best of us, I'm afraid.

It's been a long, weird ride, but now that I'm here, in college, looking back, I can't help but laugh. One thing that I got BACK my senior year was my dignity, but I certainly hadn't seen it happen. Back freshman year I was this bubbly, optimistic, happy person, but in "the boyfriend years" I was mellowed to the point of being boring. Like... I did NOTHING. At ALL. Sure, I enjoyed it then, and I won't say that I regret the relationship that I had, but I think I lost a sense of who I was. At least freshman year, though I was lost and confused, I knew who Mary Christine Hunton was. I didn't need anyone else to have that security.

But I lost it in those two years following it. And it took me all of senior year to get it back.

I'm a different person than I was all throughout high school, but I've carried a little bit of every year with me. I have my sense of self back that I had my freshman year. I have my confidence back that I attained from having a guy who really did care about me. I have my sensitivity that I got when I realized nothing lasts forever. I have my rationality from when I came to the conclusion that, sometimes, that didn't matter, and just because something isn't forever doesn't mean you can't enjoy it while you have it. I'm more whole now, and I'm definitely more pleased with the outcome.

Now, let's take a break from the monotony of a completely dull and serious blog post. I think I got my point across clearly enough, right? Change = good, sometimes. At least it did for me, so I'm going to smile and move on with my life and continue to change for the better! Yay me!

On another note of change, here's how my hair has changed over time.

It started out like this

HAHAH, okay, but seriously (and yes, that really is baby me, on my momma's lap), here's how my hair has changed in the past few years.

It started out like this. (Those are a few of my many cousins. They love me, can you tell?)
And then I cut it to this. (That's right--there's the boy from "the boyfriend years!")
It grew out a little and looked like this.
But then I got a little depressed so I cut it again. (I am no longer this little, mind you.)
And this is where I've ended up. (This was taken literally a week ago, haha!)

So. There you have it. The many phases of Mary hair (also Mary weight, but that's not as noticeable). At the moment, I'm aiming to get my hair back to this, and my skinny-ness back to this. The main reason I'm growing my hair out is because, coincidentally, this guy I'm into thought I was gay. GO figure, right? Remember the lesbian rant? It's only a few posts down!! I totally called it, right? Another reason I'm growing it out is because I really can't afford to keep it short. That's cutting it every three weeks, and boy, I can't handle that. I'm poor enough as it is.

Still no roommate, by the way. If you know anyone who needs a place to stay tell them I have an open room!

Now--let's talk about boys (I know, this wasn't a smooth transition, but I mean, I'm a girl, and I love talking about boys. Seriously, it's a blast).

"The ex" talked to me again today. He started talking to me again back in September. It's really weird, actually, but whatever. I'm glad to say that... I don't... care. Not anymore, at least. I mean, sure, I miss little things about him, but overall that chapter of my life is over. I've turned the pages and now I have a fresh page before me, ready for the writing, and the pen in my hand is brand spankin' new, purple, and vibrant. I expect things are going to improve from here on out. I mean, please! I'm writing this section in purple, how can it NOT improve?

Anywho, whenever "the ex" talks to me, it's always because he's bitching about his life, like he's looking for pity, but I can't seem to find any to give him. I've looked deep down, to the darkest depths of my person, and it seems that well has run dry. Ah, well. He'll have to find another source, haha!

And in other news with boys: still no luck! It seems I just don't know how to "entice" them and make them realize that I'm into them. You'd think that, after four months, they'd figure it out, but no. It just doesn't happen that way. And you know... there are quite a few cuties here at UNR that make it hard to focus on anything! I don't get any work done, I'm not even kidding! Mostly it's just ONE guy who is making this difficult, but he's so dense that I seriously think I could run around naked with a sign that reads, "Hey, [insert cute boy's name here], I'm into you!" and he STILL wouldn't notice! Ah, well. That will change in time.

Hey, look! I tied the topic of this posting (change) back into the end! See, everything DID have a purpose!

...

Or did it?

-MC

PS: Woah! I just realized that I didn't use the word "fuck" once in this blog! Jeez! That's crazy!

...should I make it even, then?

I have seven piercings in my ears. Now, seven's a good number, don't get me wrong, but eight is my lucky/favorite number, and I've been considering getting a third piercing in my right ear (that's right, I have five in my left and two in my right. Sounds odd, doesn't it?). Anyway, here's my dilemma. What the hell should I get!

There are tons of options out there for ear piercing. Of course there's the normal lobes, which I have done. I could also get the cartilage done in any real area, but that runs the risk of it running into my conch piercing. I'm not getting the tragus done on my right ear: I have it on my left and I don't want to repeat it. I like the randomness of my piercing placement! I've considered the industrial, but I'm not wholly sure I want to have a bar going through my ear. I'm kind of attached to loops. I WAS thinking of doing a second conch under the first... but MAN did that hurt like HELL.

Hmm... I'll have to figure it out. I also want another tattoo, but I don't know of what yet, and I'm not about to rush that one.

Anyway, I should really be studying for a quiz I have in 303. On Monday half the class decided that they didn't want to do the reading, which made my professor mad and--bada bing!--quiz on Wednesday!

Wow guys, thanks for that. Now I have to fucking study!!

-MC

...seriously? What the fuck?

Not much to say today. Well, I guess "tomorrow" since it's past midnight. Basically I just had to let you all know that my teacher bites at making study guides. I have a test tomorrow in CH and I'm kinda worried about it... Because my teacher is a study-guide-making failure.

That's okay; my boss and two people I work with all just got C's on tests that they thought they did well on. Maybe it'll be the opposite for me! Maybe I'll ace a test I expect to fail!

And if that's not wishful thinking I don't know WHAT is!!

...there they are, a'standing in a row.

Holy HELL.

Now, aren’t we all sick of all of that depressing mumbo-jumbo? Really? Dear LORD do NOT read any of the journal entries posted before this one! Man, what the HELL was I on!? Really? Like… REALLY? Eew, it makes me just sick to reread what I thought about back then. GROSS. Talk about depressing!

I’m glad to say I’m over that giant pothole in my life. Hallelujah, I have seen the light! (I like to call it the SUN, and it’s usually out in the day. You can find it, too, if you try hard enough).

Seriously? What the fuck, Mary? Emo enough? I mean, REALLY? Was any of that actually NECESSARY? No, I don’t think it was. Gawd! Way to fail at life, my little lamb, really.

So, here’s the deal: I’m in Reno now, folks. I have been for, you know, a long time, I just haven’t been keeping you updated because, well, I’m not really sure why. Now, however, I’ll give the condensed version of how my life has been the past few, well, many, months.


I moved to Reno at the end of the longest summer of my life where I was pretty much out of contact with Markie for three months. Brad and I got our first apartment together and I got a job on my FIRST day of class (yay me!). The first semester passed relatively easily, though money was tight because Brad couldn’t find a job (whether it was for lack of jobs or lack of effort on Brad’s part is still unclear). At the end of the fall semester, I couldn’t handle being the sole provider for our little unit, so Brad and I decided that it would be in both of our best interest if he moved out. Now I’m back for the spring semester, still no roommate (which is seriously getting to be a problem), and my classes are quite a bit harder. In fact, right now I should be doing an English 282 assignment, but I’m blogging instead. Go figure, eh?


THERE YOU HAVE IT. Yep. Pretty straight forward stuff, really. I’ve been worrying over money a ton lately, and over my classes because it’s come to my attention that I am SEVERELY unorganized, and it’s showing most clearly in my schoolwork. Don’t worry, I’m still passing my classes, but man, is it catching up on me! I’m not too worried about failing any of them, because I’m pretty much badass, but we’ll see where this road leads, eh?

OH.

I have another ferret. His name is Gizmo. I got him from another ex-boyfriend (Go figure, eh?), but he’s become a real pain in my ass. Spaz is the good ferret. She uses her litter box. She gives me kisses. She is just cuter and more fun in general. Poor Gizmo, he’s ADORIBLE, but I can’t handle him and his messes. If things don’t improve, I might have to sell him off.

And, speaking of boys, here’s the update on that:

Aaron the douchebag? Yeah, uh, not in the picture anymore, and usually not in the mind, either. Seriously, hindsight has shown me what I never noticed before. What the FUCK was my issue? Why didn’t I just get over it? The asshole broke up with me because I wouldn’t sleep with him and cheated on me with an internet girl from SOMEWHERE back East (either North Carolina or South Carolina. I can’t really remember). Uh, yeah. HELLO, MARY. Wake up! Glad to say I finally did.

As for boys in Reno, there are a few I have my pretty green eyes on. Sadly, though, none of them seem to realize I exist. There’s the cutie from work (my personal favorite), the cutie from photography (and he IS an artist, which just makes him cuter), and the cutie from work’s friends (two of them, but, meh, I’d take the work cutie over them any day). Like I said, I don’t really seem to exist to any of them. I’m just, well, another weirdo girl with short hair, but that’ll pass, one day!

Oh--on hair: I’m growing mine out again. Don’t get me wrong, I dig the short do, but 1) I can’t afford to cut it every three weeks to keep it short, and 2) I’m kind of sick of being called a lesbian. Recall my lesbian rant from… MONTHS AND MONTHS ago? Yeah, it’s happening here, too (shocker, right?), and I’m just going to give up the ghost and grow it out again. Not to mention… I do miss it being long!

In other news… want to hear something fantastic? I, Mary Christine Hunton, have finished writing my first book. That’s right! Be impressed! 582 pages of pure genius! Now I’m working on the second one of the series (there will be four in total), but it’s on a bit of a hiatus at the moment until I get back into the swing of things in school.

Speaking of… I really should be doing my linguistics…

And, hell, I think I’m going to go back and reread some of my horribly emo LJ entries, so I can laugh at myself and realize that I was once one of the people that I can’t STAND.

I mean… EEW!

... I fall for you

Love it complicated. Seriously. It's a hard emotion to figure out. I often find myself wondering if it's possible to fall in love with someone that you've never actually been in a relationship with, never really held, kissed, touched. I think it is.

I fell in love with a boy this year. When I was down for the count, screaming, bleeding, and dying, he picked me up and held me above the crowd to prove to everyone that I could make it. That I was not weak. He talked to me, consoled me, was just amazing for me. He's remarkable.

But it bites. Why do I not feel good enough for him? There are so many better people out there. So many prettier people. What makes me DARE feel that I have a chance in hell? I can't help who I fall for, but part of me wishes I could have stopped myself. Saved myself from the heartbreak. It's hard to love someone who won't look twice at you as more than a friend.

He's the kind of guy that makes my heart melt just by walking into the room. When he smiles at me I lose track of reality, and when he speaks it's like heaven. WOW I sound a bit like a bad Halmark card, but you get the picture. He didn't even have to try. Just by being who he IS makes me care about him.

And it makes me sad, because I don't think he really knows just how great he is. He's had people tell him that he's a bad person. He's seen people be hurt by a situation that he had no real control over. He's not a bad guy, not at all, but I think he thinks he is.

I wish there was some way for me to tell him that, but I don't want to scare him away.

What can I say; I'm scary.

~MCH

...obligation to survive.

Wow, I haven't posted in a long time, but I need to rant, and this is the perfect place to do it.

We'll start out this way...

NEWS FLASH!

Guess what?

Mary is, in fact, not a lesbian!

WOW.

Okay, I am SO fucking sick and tired of people thinking that I'm a lesbian because I have short hair. Fuck, people thought I was a lesbian BEFORE I chopped off all of my hair. Is there something God forgot to tell me when he brought me to the planet? Did he mess up in my blueprint and make me attracted to men, when, obviously, I SHOULD find females enticing?

Seriously. What the hell.

This has been making me so mad, and just lately has it peaked to where I'm about to kill someone. Do all short-haired girls have to be lesbians? Do all tomboys have to be lesbians? Fuck, that's like me in a nutshell, except the lesbian part! When the HELL did that become part of the equation? Jesus, people are stupid. And I'm pissed.

Fuck, and I was having a good month.

I'm going to UNR, by the way. I applied, and even though I haven't been accepted yet, I know that I will be. I'm getting the fuck out of Elko, but you know, I bet people in Reno will just think I'm gay, too. What fuckers.

OH

And, just so you ALL know (sad, I keep using all of these accusatory words when the only people who read my blog know that I'm straight), I bucked up the courage to tell the guy I liked that I liked him. Oh yeah. I wrote him a letter telling him how I feel. We're still good friends, and I'm confident to say that he doesn't think I'm a lesbian, and I doubt he ever did.

God. People are stupid.

Maybe I'm the stupid one: too stubborn to change my style a little for the views of others.

Either way: how GAY (no pun intended).

...to get out of Ginty's class.

Hah, so I'm sitting here in Mr. McGinty's class, and it's basically worthless. He can't really teach worth a damn. It's kind of sad.

Anyway, this will be short cause, technically, I could get kicked out (probably not). Haha, Markie bought twenty eight breakfast burritos today and brought them into class to feed everyone.

I've eaten two.

Markie wants me fat!

~MC

...hey, I'm not here right now. Leave a message.

Kay, this will be another short blog (at least I intend to make it short. I have no idea if it will actually remain that way. I'm still kind of out of it. I guess I just get into these moods and it's hard for me to snap out. But, as Markie says, it's proven that people are sadder at night. I should just get over it, I guess.

I feel like no one wants to talk to me. I'm kind of annoying, I guess, but sometimes things bug me and I want to talk, but I never really get to. I've actually tried to not let myself talk about what bugs me because, well, everyone I want to talk to seems to just get annoyed with me. We end up arguing over how I shouldn't feel a certain way, not talking about why I do. I guess I just don't explain myself. Not to mention, I understand that I REALLY am a pain. REALLY. Most, if not all, of what upsets me is retarded. The next day I think back on it and it's nothing.

But lately, I dunno. I talked to Sandi, which always makes me miss Aaron, mostly because if I WAS with him, I'd get to see her more. I LOVE this woman. Seriously. She's been like my mother for two years, and now I don't have her. It SUCKS. Anyway, we talked about everything, from me and Aaron to my family and whatnot. Then she brought up Aaron's ferret and mentioned that he wasn't taking care of her very well. I offered to take her. To make a long story short, I am now the proud mother of Spaz, the wonderful little ferret.

Wanna hear a kicker, though?

After getting her, I've become sadder than I was before. EVERY time I look at her I'm reminded of Aaron. The whole cage smells like Aaron's house (not like ferret). All of the little ferret things (toys, leashes, food) are just constant reminders of my relationship with him and there's a little twang inside every time I see them. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I took Spaz away, he was neglecting her pretty badly, but... Man do I MISS that kid.

You know what else bugs me? EVERYONE telling me "too bad" when I say I miss him. People saying that, OH WELL, MARY. You're fucked. You can't be with him. He hates you. GET OVER IT.

I've tried. I'm trying. I'm succeeding. It's long and painful. YOU get over it. YOU accept that, FUCK, I NEED time to heal. Go shove it and leave me alone.

Part of me still wants to be with him. Part of me still thinks it's possible. Every once in a while, when I TELL people this, I'd like them to support me. I'd like them to say, "hey, maybe," instead of, "Fat chance."

I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Why wouldn't he want me back? To hell, I don't know. But if everyone says it, it must be true, right? But remember, everyone said that the world was flat once, too.

Look where THAT got them.

~MC

(I lied, this ended up long.)

...because I'm broken when I'm lonesome.

Usually I write insanely long Entries. Not tonight. Sorry, guys, I'm not in the mood. In fact, I'm not in any kind of "mood" really. I kind of just want to curl up and slowly fade away. Let the wind wisp away the ashes of my memory into the grey, morning light so that maybe, when the world is reborn, I'll be morphed into something happy. Like a flower. I want to be a flower...

Someone turn off the heat. Close the blinds. Let me freeze. When I'm cold I'm numb. When I'm numb I don't feel the pain. Sounds nice.

~MC

...counting the ways to where you are.

WARNING: any negative comments made in the following blog are not to be taken all too seriously. Despite ANYTHING I might say, I had a lot of fun.

Prom night. You know, I knew it was no big deal. I knew that the date wasn't REALLY a date, more like two friends going together because, hell, why not? I jumped into this knowing that it meant NOTHING. But, honestly, I still wanted it to. I wanted, maybe once, to be the girl (mind you, I don't know what that means, either). But I wasn't, and I won't be. Not yet.

The day started out badly. My mom was being such a bitch. She was shit-faced drunk for, well, the entire day. She called about four times while I was out shopping telling me about this necklace, asking where dad was, and wondering which car I was going to take. Each time she called me we had the EXACT same conversation, and she never remembered. She got mad at dad later because he left her down town. He'd left because HE, unlike her, was trying to help make my Prom fun: he was washing the truck so I could take it to the dance. He told mom where he was going. Of course, seeing as she was wasted, she didn't remember, and ended up fighting with him

Anyway, she gets home around three thirty, and Teresa had JUST finished my hair. I get out of the bathroom to show it off, right. My dad thinks I'm beautiful, my sister's concur. Mom takes ONE look at me and says, "You should wear your hair you normally do. It looks better that way." (Keep in mind that she's hammered so this is mostly mumbled and slurred together).

THANK YOU MOM. I FEEL BEAUTIFUL.

I picked up Jake around 5:30. We took pictures at his house (his step-dad told me that I looked very, very nice), and then rushed off to meet our friend from the Haunted House, Betty, so she could take pictures. She and her husband love me. Rusty even told me that he looks at me like an adoptive daughter and offered to buy me a corsage. They're sweet: I love them. So Betty took pictures at City Park, then we rushed to her house so I could get a jacket. Rusty and Betty both assured me that I was beautiful, and I was feeling much, much better about it, despite my mom's issues with my appearance.

Afterward we rushed to Gold Dust West to show off our pretty threads to Jake's mom. She's a REALLY sweet woman, and she bragged about her baby boy to her coworkers, and also complimented me on my look (I think my mom's on crack). Bidding her a fond farewell, we scurried over to Andrew Church's house for dinner. Dinner was a TAD awkward, seeing as neither Jake nor I are especially close to Andrew, but it was fun.

The dance itself was good for the most part. Up until Jake's girlfriend showed up. I knew that he'd probably rather be with her, so it was really awkward for me to try to NOT let that get to me. For the most part he did a good job of keeping close to me instead of her (seeing as I was his date, and not her), but when the Senior Walk came around... well... I guess he'd already promised her that he'd walk with her, but he hadn't known that it was at Prom. He told me that he'd talk to her and see if he could take both of us down at once. He rushed off to ask her... and never came back. needless to say, I was probably one of the only seniors at Prom that didn't walk, hah hah...

After the Senior Walk, Jake kind of ditched me for his girlfriend. It sucked, really, cause all I wanted was this ONE night. Candice gets him every other fucking night of the week, I just wanted to have fun and spend a little time with him for a few hours. Oh well, I guess I shouldn't have expected as much, huh?

BUT, Andrew basically made my night. Seriously. I love that kid. He's such a sweetheart. I had been talking to him the day before Prom ABOUT Prom, and I mentioned that I thought Jake was going to ditch me. When he did, Andrew noticed, and he asked me to a dance. I was so touched, I can't even explain it. I've NEVER just been asked to dance. I've never been asked TO a dance. He really, really cheered me up. Not to mention, I have a bit of a soft-spot for Andrew, and even if I HADN'T been in a bad mood dancing with him would have been wonderful.

HAH, enough of the cheese.

I also danced with my friend JJ's date (Pam forced HIM into it). His name is Taylor. I don't know him well, but it was fun. We sang to "Photograph" by Nickleback as we danced, and laughed at ourselves.

Jake didn't come back to hang out with me until his girlfriend left. Yay me for being the second choice; again. I guess I should just get used to it. In the end I was Aaron's second choice, why did I expect NOT to be Jake's?

Anyway, enough emo-ness. I tried not to let Jake know that I was a little upset. Really, he was in a bad situation. Either way he made ONE of us mad, and I don't blame him for choosing NOT to upset his girlfriend. Let's face it: after tonight he doesn't even have to LOOK at me if he doesn't want to. Candice, however, can make his life hell if she wants to. Guilt galore. Hah hah. Man, still sucks, though.

We talked a little about Aaron as we danced. He told me that he thought Aaron got a little jealous that Jake was going with me, which surprised me. Then he said that he wouldn't have cared if going to the dance with me would have made Aaron mad. In Jake's own words, "He had his chance and he blew it." Later on I commented about how, yeah, I missed Aaron, and yeah, it hurt, but in the end it was his loss. Jake couldn't have agreed more.

So, all in all, at least I know that part of him likes me as a person, even if that doesn't mean he thinks I'm worth dating. Eh, oh well. Life goes on, right?

AND, I might add, I LOOKED FAN-FUCKING-TABULOUS!

~MC

...I'm a bit fragile right now.

So, it's been a while, hasn't it? Over a week, I believe. Wow, maybe I should pay more attention to my poor, little, deprived LiveJournal. It's been so long. Har har har. Wow, I really, really need a life.

Things seemed to be getting better. Aaron didn't want to see me, so I didn't have to see him. He'd ignore me. I wasn't there. I didn't exist. In all, it meant that I didn't have to see how great he was doing and he didn't have to see how awfully I was. We were both happy.

Or so I thought. He threw me completely for a loop when he asked Markie if she and I wanted to hang out with him and play a game at a friend from the Haunted House's place (this guy is well into his forties and he's really cool). WOW. Aaron wanted to spend time with us? Okay, it's my belief that he only asked ME because he knew that Markie wouldn't come if I didn't, but Markie says it's because he does appreciate my company. Well, whatever.

And I've been having to see him at the haunted house. God does THAT kill me. He flirts with every female there (excluding me, of course), which just drives me insane. He's a jerk to me, he just doesn't act like I was ever anything, even a friend. I guess he hangs out with Jake and Greg now, and Jake told Greg that Aaron likes being lonely. Well, okay, that may be true, but fuck, that doesn't help ME feel better. It's just more proof that I wasn't good enough for the little douche-bag.

Oh, and I'm not looking forward to Prom anymore. It's becoming more and more apparent that Jake does NOT want to go with me. I'm thinking at the dance I'll tell him to just go hang out with Candice because I know that's who he'd like to be with anyway. Hell, I might even leave early if it all comes down to that.

Kay. Enough Emo-ness.

I dyed my hair and pierced my ears. Like, regularly pierced them. In the lobes, not some abstract, cartilaginous area. Oddly enough, though, he had to bring out the most equipment to just pierce my lobes. There were the rings, two needles, a stretcher, a clamp, and needle-nosed pliers. Yeah. I was scared, haha. But it's cute.

See for yourself.

I'm going to go mope now. I'll see you all later.

~MC

...that's enough for me.

That's it. I'm done. I'm finished playing this game. From now on, things are going to be different. I'm sick of this act. I'm sick of faking it. I just want to be happy again. And you know what? The only way I can be happy is if I make myself happy. I don't need anyone else. I have to depend on myself again, I can't wait for someone who will never come back.

A good friend of mine brought everything into perspective for me. She told me that, when I talk, when I think, everything revolves around me and my problems, and I don't seem to see life outside of this whole Aaron thing, and that I create the drama around me: it doesn't REALLY exist, it's all in my head. It stung, really, hearing that, but...

She's right.

I haven't been a good friend to anyone in the past six months. I've been selfish. I've been inconsiderate. Maybe I should take a break and realize that I'm not the only person in the world with fucking problems. Maybe I should just stop letting everything get to me. Aaron doesn't want anything to do with me. He would rather I just leave him alone. Lately, I have been. He doesn't hang out with me at all anymore. He has his "cool" friends. He has his "cool" phone that he can text his fun little internet buddies on. He has his "cool" new life. He doesn't need someone as "uncool" as me messing with his groove.

I was prepared completely to just drop him. Fuck, he gave up on me, why should I even try to keep him as a friend? Then he threw me for a complete loop, talking to Markie and suggesting that the three of us (and any of our friends that were interested) hang out Sunday morning. Okay, yeah, sure, he appreciates me as a "person," but not a "friend." I don't know what the fuck is on his mind. Seriously: be my friend, or don't. Stop trying to take the best of both worlds.

I will admit, hanging out with him wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Things stayed pretty simple. Little things got to me, like they always will (him showing off his "mad" scrabble skills, him acting like he and I had never dated, etc), but I managed to keep my feelings to myself (which I did for Markie, because she was REALLY looking forward to this and, hell, it's NOT always about me, contrary to what I seem to believe). I did enjoy myself as a whole, seriously. But... well... being around him in general just hurts when I have to pretend that I'm not bitter.

Things would be so much easier if he would just go away... Out of sight, out of mind. I might take a job my aunt offered me in Illinois this summer. I'm not quite sure yet, but what the hell do I have to lose? Markie's moving to Salt Lake, Aaron doesn't talk to me, most of my other friends are going away for college. I might as well do something. Fuck, Elko has nothing for me right now. I'd rather be anywhere else but here right now.

On another note, my lizard died today. It was the weirdest thing in the world: this morning he was happy and healthy. He was walking around his cage, drinking water, being all lizard-like, and when I got back from hanging out with Markie, Brad, and Aaron, I walked into my room to see him having a fucking SEIZURE. Yeah, that's right. I've NEVER, EVER had a lizard have a SEIZURE before. I've had quite a few geckos in my time, and this was a first for me. Honestly, whatever health issue he had, he'd had before I purchased him. There's no way that he could develop a problem that severe in the two weeks I had him. Everything I've read on it has said that it takes over a month for serious effects (like dying of a seizure) to occur. Especially since he has water, food, AND light. Nothing I did was bad in any way possible: trust me, I've raised a lot of geckos.

Well, fuck, guys. I need to get out of the house more. Help me get my mind off of things, meet new people. If anyone has any ideas, well, I'm open to them!

~MC

...I always choose the unachievable.

Since Aaron decided to leave and promptly let me cling to the cliff of uncertainty while he went off to live his own life his own way with his own stupid friends, ignoring my predicament completely, I've been pretty down. My muscles and mind ache from keeping myself held up for so long, and I want to let go. For some reason dropping from that perilous ledge seems almost more friendly than pulling myself up.

But I've made great strides in the direction of self-salvation.

I miss Aaron. I daresay I still "love" Aaron. Part of me wants to be with him. He made me feel good, and I want that back, I want that comfort.

But part of me hates him. The other half of my soul wants him to drop dead. I know that he didn't treat me right in the end and that he didn't give a damn about how I felt. Why the FUCK should I care about him now when he didn't care about me even when he was with me?

There are a lot of details about our breakup that the vast majority of the population does not know about. Most people don't know the mistakes HE made in the relationship, just the supposed ones I made (not giving him "space," being to "clingy," etc). Honestly, just yet I'm not prepared to announce to the world HIS mistakes because part of me is still ashamed of them, but in time, I'm going to let the whole world know.

I'm making small steps in that direction. Just yesterday I talked to this really great guy (via instant messaging) about it, and he's now on the tally of people that DO know the whole story.

Speaking of other guys, we're going to take a break from Aaron for a minute. Since our breakup, there have only been two guys that I'm actually interested in. Both of whom were in other relationships up until, oh, three weeks ago? Then one of them broke up with his girlfriend and I asked him to prom. Yay me, right?

Well, he IS a great guy, but I kind of feel like he's going to prom with me as a pity date. "Oh look at Mary, Aaron broke up with her earlier this year and if I don't say yes to go with her to prom, she's NEVER going to go... Fine, I guess I can go with her..."

(Keep in mind that I have no proof of this. It's just how I feel.)

Not to mention he is really into this other girl. As much as it hurts to think about it, this girl... well, she's pretty amazing. She's funny, nice, interesting. Even Aaron wanted to date her before he was with me. I don't really BLAME him for liking her, but I feel like he'd rather go to prom with her than me. I'm halfway considering telling him that if he'd seriously rather be with her, then I'd understand...

Then the SECOND guy that I like. Well, he still IS in a relationship, and it doesn't seem like this one is ending any time soon. Even if it did, he's going away for college, so it would be hard to date him anyway. However, he is a really, really sweet guy, and very sensitive (sounds perfect, huh?). I've talked to him on occasion, usually through instant messaging, and I feel like we're getting pretty close as friends. That's good enough for me for now. It's just fun to imagine if he ever WOULD like me, which... he probably wouldn't, but I can pretend, right?

So basically Mary + Boys = Disaster. I'd really like things to work out for me soon, but I guess I'll have to wait.

Wow, this bites.

Oh... and just so you all know (meaning the three or so people that actually read my blog on occasion) I LOVE the word "remarkable." It just makes me feel... good.

Have a good one!

~MC

...I got a date to Prom!

That's right. Mary, the untouchable. Mary, the undatable. Mary the... well, you get the point. I did it. I finally plucked up the courage to go up to this very nice, very handsome, and very tall boy and say, "Hey, will you go to Prom with me?" What did he say? Well, obviously, he said yes! I mean, who WOULDN'T say yes, right? Har har har.

Well, this is how it happened. Between sixth and seventh period I usually pass this boy. I'm going to my car to drive down to Northside Elementary for my elementary aid class, and he's going to HIS car to get something for Choraliers. Well, I'd told myself that TODAY was the day; I would ask this boy to Prom if it killed me. Go figure, I didn't see him until JUST before seventh, right? Well, as he's leaving his car I call to him, and, when we reach eachother, I say "Hey, I have a question. Would you go to Prom with me? Markie has a date, and I'd really like to go with you." (Or something along those lines, anyway). He looked at me for a minute (with beautiful blue eyes) then said, "oh, yeah, sure okay." And I was like "Really? Thanks so much! I'll talk to you later!"

And so...

I HAVE A FUCKING DATE.

I can't even explain how happy that makes me. I'm so giddy right now it's insane. I'm NEVER giddy. I don't get "happy" often, and this just made my whole fricken day.

However, hah, his ex girlfriend DID call me almost immediately after school. I GUESS she found out, and she called to tell me that she wasn't mad, ask if I liked him, and tell me "not to let anything happen." I didn't quite know what to say to her, honestly. Okay, yeah, I'm not dating him, and I don't think he's quite ready for that, but, well, if it DOES happen, it will. I'm not going to stop it for her...

I feel kind of like a bitch, but my happiness overwhelms it JUST a little.

Haha.

Wow, it's REALLY nice feeling good.

~MC

...I write.

As one could infer from my previous entry, I've been very, very angry lately. So. I wrote a short story. This is actually pretty big news, seeing as all I've been working on lately is my book (which, by the way, now has six chapters and the seventh is in the works). The story, called Master Piece is mostly a metaphorical piece. I really, really like it. I think I got the point across pretty well.

In other news, this guy that I'm kinda-sorta interested just broke up with his girlfriend. I don't know what to think. Part of me wants to comfort him and befriend him, hence forth making it possible for me to maybe date him, but I'm not heartless enough to not understand that he DID just break up with a girl he's been with for over a year and he's bound to be upset about it.

Also, part of me is pretty damn convinced that even if he wasn't upset and was ready to date, I wouldn't be on the list at all. This guy is, honestly, out of my league.

And... He's not Aaron. Part of me still hates that idea.

~MC

...how long can I be put away for homicide?

I'm so pissed. I'm so annoyed. I'm just so... grah! I don't even know how to explain it. Things keep sneaking up on me, and I don't know if I can handle it anymore. There's so much going on, my mind is a chaotic torrent of doom, wreaking havoc upon my sanity.

First off: I. Hate. Amanda's. Boyfriend. Seriously, that guy just tweaks me the wrong way. He hasn't done more since that night on the phone when he made the comments about Aaron, but that incident put him instantly onto my shit list, and, once you're on MY shit list, it's pretty damn hard to climb off of it.

His latest 'venture,' if you will, is to remove my sister's innocence. This guy has been engaged (he's only an effing junior), which, goes to say, he's done a bit more than I'm comfortable with thinking about. My poor sister has, since, leapt into a void that I don't even want to THINK about.

Not to mention now I can just TELL she's going to hold it above my head, because she has more 'experience' than I do.' She's forgetting that the quality of my SINGLE relationship was better than all of hers combined.

Speaking of my relationship... I'm going crazy. Everything is so freaking mixed up. I'm missing Aaron so much right now, it's ridiculous. I don't know what's even triggered it, but man, is it bad. He's all I think about, and it's so annoying. Yeah, sure, I AM better than I was four months ago, but I'm not "perfectly fine."

I've been told that he still loves and misses me. I've been told that he wants to ask out this other girl who is a year younger than me. I've been told that he still cares about me. I've been told he doesn't care at all. I don't really know what to think anymore.

Not to mention he's always texting SOMEONE, God knows who, and it drives me insane. I hate feeling like I've been replaced...

Wow, I'm pretty emo. Maybe I'll quit while I'm ahead.

~MC

...just one word, in fact.

Fauxhawk

...to all of you single people out there.

I dislike this holiday. I mean, yeah, okay, for the past two years I didn't "hate" it (for the last two years I also WAS someone's valentine), but even then it was never my favorite holiday. I think all it actually accomplishes is making people who are single feel bad about their lives.

Boys who cheat on their girlfriends get them big bears so that when they're with their other woman, their girl will have something to hug. Boys who want sex buy huge, extravagent rose bouquets because "roses are sexy." Boys who get chocolates are usually pretty okay, but honestly they'll still probably break up with said girlfriends later for some stupid reason like "I want space" or "I didn't feel a connection."

And it's especially bad when, hah, all day all I can think about is the one guy I want to be with, and that one guy just happens to think that I should fall off the face of the earth. Okay, that's a bit of an overstatement. To be honest, our relationship (as friends) is getting a lot smoother. We're friendlier. Lighter. Over all, we both act happier.

That just makes it a little bit harder, though, because I have to remember that none of that means anything. He doesn't want me back.

And, damn, am I lonely.

~MC

...it's fun to let loose and just dance.

So, my life is full of mixed emotions about, well, everything. I think WAY too much. Everything reminds me of Aaron, and everything makes me sad. Even talking to Sandi, who is a wonderful woman that I love to death, makes me sad when I talk to her, because she reminds me of the family that I'm not part of anymore. I need to separate myself from everything, but I don't want to.

So this weekend was pretty good for me to just let go and live a little. I didn't think (as much). On Sunday, we threw a surprise party for Markie (who is now, by the way, a legal adult). Green and black themed, as usual, and the cake had Luke and Darth Vader from Star Wars and said "I slept with Vader and all I got was this stupid cake." It was a lot of fun, haha!

Then we painted shirts for the dance later that night. They were all pretty kick ass. Mine looked like this. And here's the back. Markie's was pretty badass. Pam's was neat, but a little bit of a pain to paint. Brad's was extremely simple but who needs all the hubbub to make a nice shirt? Either way, I think they all turned out really nice, and I'm pleased.

After we painted shirts we watched Kill Bill Volume 1, then we went to the dance. It was a lot of fun. We hung out quite a bit with Jake and his "crowd" which was great and all, but it makes me sad because those are the people Aaron wants to be with, now. Jake I understand: Jake's an amazing person. Half of the other people, though, aren't nearly as good of people as Jake, and it hurts that, hell, Aaron would rather deal with them than me.

Anyway, I danced a ton, and now I'm sore. Then we went back to Pam's and watched Kill Bill Volume 2. Then Markie and I went back to my house (around 2) and slept. It was a nice sleep.

So this weekend was pretty nice over all, but they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. STOP GROWING FONDER, HEART!!! I need to get a life.

Not to mention: A few posts ago I said something about my love life? Just so you know, I lied.

~MC

...I needed that. Seriously

My dad was just full of quotes today.

Some made me feel good...

"Teach your sister to be more like you!"

Some confused the shit out of me. Am I supposed to be complimented or offended?

"I'm glad that you haven't realized how pretty you are yet, because then guys would be all over you like they are Teresa."

And some... Made me a little sad...

"She has a short life and she knows it. She's trying to live it too fast. Just like Aaron... Which is a shame, because he's missing out on one of the best fucking women in the world."

Fathers have an interesting way of putting things in perspective for us, don't they?